This post will feature the confessions of a certain entertaining group of 8th graders I have the privilege of teaching this year. THE ASSIGNMENT: Write 2 letters breaking up with your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Use the same reasons for breaking up in both letters but change your diction and style so that each letter reveals opposite tones. THE RESULT: Hilarity.

My students have given me permission to share some snippets from their writing and I will preface it by saying I learned two things. One, they all took this as an opportunity to say the completely psychotic and ridiculous things they would never say in real life. Two, I learned that most boys “broke up” with their fictional girlfriends for being annoying and suffocating, while girls “broke up” with their fake boyfriends for cheating – usually with best friends. I mean, could we BE any more stereotypical in middle school?!

So here they are… the best snippets of the 8th Grade Break-Up Letters… (Girls are in purple, boys in blue.)

“Dear Jack, Although we have been together for a long time, I think it is time we break up. I wanted to let you know that it’s not me… it’s YOU.” -Jessica

“You are a worthless, good-for-nothing midget. I will always remember AND REGRET this dreadful time we had together.” -Tyler

[Addressed to Meagan Fox] “My tall, beautiful goddess, you are a very special woman and did I mention you were beautiful?? But this long-distance relationship is not working out. I cannot physically touch you and feel your emotion over the phone.” -Kolyn (Yes, he went there! I about died.)

“Being unable to see your face everyday will put a bullet in my heart. I love your personality, but I had no idea who you became when you were around your friends.” -Caleb

“I feel like what we had is no more – we are two different people. I definitely didn’t feel a connection to you when you dumped soda on my lap because you were staring at the girl at the movie theater so hard that you missed your mouth.” -Jocey

“You’re a nice guy and all, but you’re a pig. When we go out, you eat all of my food and don’t even pay for it. I’m broke because of you!” -Cynthia

“Dear Boxxy, why do you talk so much? Your opinion is somewhat annoying and rarely wanted. Also, for whatever reason, you have a smell about you, and it is, in one word: BAD.” -Jonathan

“You know what hurts the most, Buttface?! YOU STOOD ME UP AT PROM! You stood me up so you could eat taquitos with your grandma. Well, you know what? I’m done. DONE! We are OVER.” -Chloe

“I wish you wouldn’t be so jealous… like at the movies when the girl handed me my popcorn? You flipped her on the counter and poured salt in her eyes. That made two restraining orders in one day. This is why I think we should ‘take a break’ and this is also why I’m moving to Istanbul, Turkey.” -Josh

“There is no way it would work in a million years between us. I hope I forget you.” -Mitchell

“Dear Antonio, what the french toast is UP with your FACE?!” -Amy

“When you run for Student Council, I am going to make a pinata of your face and beat it with a wooden bat.” -Sebastian

“I really hope we can stay friends. It would mean a lot if we did… after all, my pet fish just died. Poor Mr. Whiskers! Well, I have to go have a funeral now.” -Kearby

“I have been secretly planning to push you off a building for the past 8 months, but I didn’t do it ONLY because I don’t want to go to jail because of you.” -Nina (This is one of my sweetest, quietest girls in class – again, I almost died!!)

“I feel no hope in resolving our issues. There is no solution to your stupidity that involves ME with YOU.” -Shay

“I know we have been together for three months now, but I can’t go any further. It is too stressful having to worry all the time about whether or not you’re okay.” -Jacobie

“You cheated on me with Makenna, Lexi, and worst of all, MALLORY! You know I hate her – why would you even go there?!” -Savannah

“Dear Cinderella, I saw you cheating with Romeo. Almost two days ago, Juliet send me a letter saying that you two were going to dump us on the same day. I just want you to know that you really hurt my feelings.” -David (Prince Charming?)

“We are over, you insolent little petty smushed fly on someone’s window! Yeah, you must have thought that little benevolent Bethany was at home knitting a dress while you were out with some tight-skirted, cheaply-lipsticked, high-heeled, IQ-of-2, giggly, little, clueless, moronic idiot of a girl date. Well you broke my heart so now my army brothers are going to break your FACE. You disgust me, you unwanted pimple on the face of humanity.” -Bethany

“You are the most controlling, neat freak ever!! I just pray that the next idiot who thinks you’re hot or whatever is smart enough to get out of there before you show your true colors!” -Ashton

“Why would you smooch and climb all over other girls when you have ME?” -Kaytlin

“P.S. I want my jacket back! P.P.S. WASH IT FIRST!!” -Colten

“Dear Allen, I liked you way more before I knew you. I know I’m being rude, but us? It’s just not right. And by US, I mean, YOU.” – Shelbi

“Dear Harry Potter, I am writing this letter to tell you how SICK I am of hearing about how great you are. Who cares if you can fly on a broom or do tricks with your fancy wand? I know I sure don’t! You’re like the itch I just can’t scratch.” -Jessica

“You are so backstabbing. And you copy me on everything! When I like the color purple, you like it. When I love pants, you love pants. Sorry, but I’m just so disgusted.” -Shelby

[To Ferb from Disney’s “Phineas and Ferb”] “Dear Ferb, Whenever you asked me out, I only agreed because I felt bad for you with your huge eyes and green hair. But now, I don’t think I can stand for my name to be associated with yours. We never did anything together because you were ALWAYS playing with your brother… Guys who wear purple pants up to their belly buttons have something wrong in their brain. I’m sure you understand.” -Madison

“You smell like a million dying wet dogs. You’re so ugly, you could kill someone by looking at them. Your teeth are so crooked, you could open bottles with them. You can’t shut up for five seconds and your voice is like an old man’s. P.S. SHAVE YOUR LEGS.” -J